At least criminals have stupidity on their side

Lou Marzeles
News Editor     

     Have you heard about the new entrepreneur school for criminals? For a modest fee, aspiring thieves can train in the latest technology on detection prevention, quick turn-around of stolen goods and cash, easy ways to stake out a prospective victim's business, and watch endless repeats of "CSI" and its varied knock-offs to learn how to wear rubber gloves so you don't leave fingerprints. Your fee, the school promises, will be more than amply made back after a few quick hits on businesses.
     Yes, I'm kidding. But apparently there are a few addle-brained pseudo-entrepreneurs here in the Goldendale area-and some of the more particularly moronic ones don't remember to put their rubber gloves out of sight, instead leaving them dangling out of their pockets like a calling card. If you see one of them, ask them if they can spell "Duh."
     I hope the criminals' union doesn't come after me for suggesting that most criminals have IQs roughly equal to their shoe size, but let's face facts: yes, the crowd that's been breaking into businesses around town is marginally diligent about being somewhat organized and fancies itself rather daring, but that just makes them even dumber. It takes a far more sophisticated level of intelligence to realize that you could put the same kind of creative energy that goes into feeding off a community, like some kind of societal vampire, into an honest living. Plus, being on the right side of the law has the added benefit of not facing the inevitable reality for burglars that, sooner or later, you're going to jail.
     The police are frustrated that honest citizens in town have seen clearly suspicious behavior around town but never made a call to report it. It's time we all work together to stop this thuggery.