A wish list of stories for the imminent new decade

Lou Marzeles
News Editor

     Every professional journalist has a list of stories he/she would love to cover. I've taken the liberty of already writing the top stories I'd want to cover in the coming decade, and I thought I'd share them here. They're in no particular order.

Goldendale purchases satellite TV carriers
     The City of Goldendale today purchased DirectTV and Dish Network. Its first act of business with the TV outlets, the city stated, will be to educate the carriers in the fact that there are people actually living in communities north of the Columbia River and, even more incredibly, east of the Cascades. The city intends to show the carriers documentary films shown on their own channels that prove these facts beyond any shadow of doubt. Moreover, the city will demonstrate with equal certainty that a vast majority of these households actually watch TV and are actually interested in news and events that do not occur in Portland or Vancouver or Seattle.

Classes in civic common sense offered to criminals
     Various civic organizations announced today that they're going to start offering classes to area criminals in civic common sense, mostly because the criminals in our area suffer from a condition known as being dumber than dirt. A spokesman for criminals denied that criminals are really that dumb. The spokesman, while wearing a name tag, spoke on condition of anonymity. "Dirt is scientifically known to be no smarter than a bag of hammers," he said. "Our criminals can out-think hammers any day." He did not respond to a challenge offered in which a bag of hammers and a group of criminals would be given equal opportunity to commit breaking-and-entering into area stores and then try to keep the stolen merchandise cleverly hidden around town because it can't be sold without being caught and have the whole thing elude law enforcement forever.

Cows now able to be prosecuted
     From now on, law enforcement agencies announced today, if you hit a cow while you're driving and it's not your fault, the cow, and not you, is actually going to be liable for damages. "Somebody's burger-on-the-hoof is going to pay or going to jail," said one spokesman. And while they're at it, they're thinking of prosecuting the general bovine community for contributing to excessive greenhouse gas emissions. And don't even get them started on deer playing chicken with vehicular traffic.

Hollywood films major epic in Goldendale
     A huge Hollywood studio with really deep pockets announced today that it will make a new horror film right here in Goldendale. Rodents from Heck: Attack of the Carnivorous Squirrels begins shooting around town, using lots of those flesh-eating gray digger squirrels that have so taken to the Goldendale area. Some stunt squirrels are being brought in from Tinsel Town for the more daring scenes, such as the one where a gray digger takes down a giraffe loose in the streets of Goldendale.

Government bureaucracy to be demystified
     By order of God, governments around the world today began trying to simplify their organizational structure and decision-making processes. Attempts to defer the matter to committees were denied, as were assertions that the whole thing just could not be done. "Come on," one whiny official stated, "we're the government. Obfuscation is our business. That's why we use words like 'obfuscation.' "           Asked if he were capable of answering a direct question with a straight answer, the official responded, "Well, I'm glad you asked that. You know, a lot of people want clear answers to intricately complex questions such as this one, and I and my grossly oversized and wildly overpaid team are examining this matter carefully. We're running several computer models analyzing the situation, and we're committed to providing our constituents with the best artificially inflated data that we can throw money at. Our six-year program will give us definitive responses to this sensitive and timely issue, and you can count on us remaining diligent with your dollars in the relentless pursuit of multifaceted and highly divergent simplicity."

Religious extremists ordered to not be extreme
     Also by order of God, radical religious extremists who think that terrorism is a path to piety have been told to knock it off. "The communication from the Deity seems to suggest that such extremism is actually not particularly religious," said one confused terrorist in response. "I don't get it." The plan to implement the knock-off order includes an intense review of all the world's great spiritual teachings and how they repeatedly and invariably hold life as sacrosanct. It will also cover how these source teachings get waylaid by nationalistic agendas and religious chauvinism, not to mention outright human arrogance. It will conclude with a required group singing of "I'd Love to Teach the World to Sing."