The Goldendale Sentinel - Headlines & History since 1879

By Lou Marzeles
Editor 

North Korea has sabotaged the American election

 


The current state of the American presidential election campaign is North Korea’s fault.

The wayward nation set off a nuclear bomb test not long ago. The blast nudged the earth ever so slightly off its axis, resulting in expanded gamma rays and a 19 percent shift in gravitational pull. All this caused the earth’s magnetic field to negatively impact its flux capacitor, which in turn scrambled synapses in once-normal brains, leading to a rampant rise in deeply psychotic narcissism and human foot-in-mouth disease on a scale never seen before. I know these facts intimately because I just made them up.

But it’s a good an explanation as any for the wackiness on the campaign trail this year. You’ve got a walking textbook on bombast hurling invectives at other candidates, the pope, his own party, and the comic who showed up at his kid’s birthday party. (“You call that funny?“ he shouted at the clown. “Seriously? Marco Rubio is funnier than you, and the only clown college he went to was Congress.” In the interests of full disclosure I must admit this story too is the result of my fertile imagination, but it too is at least as entertaining as anything Donald Trump ever said.) On the other hand, you have a candidate whose name in politics goes back to the late 20th century when the then-governor of Arkansas improbably won the White House after shootin’ at some food when up from the ground come a-bubblin’ crude and his kin folks said, “Jed, sorry, Bill, move away from there.” His wife, Cruella DeVille—well, she always seems to look like her—became senator from New York because it’s so close to and just like Arkansas. And now she’s running, again, for president so she can get back into the White House and this time be able to officially boss her husband around.

Then there are the current senators, both with Latin last names and both from states on the Gulf of Mexico, named for a country that will never build and pay for a wall along the Rio Grande. One has slipped out of Cruz control, and the other has finally learned to shout as loudly as Trump. If the country decides that decibel levels are more important to this election than narcissism, he just might be the tire-puncturing strip that gets rolled out on the Trump fast lane.

There was a burning Bush, but it put itself out. There’s a governor from Ohio who seemed to think he’s a household name. There’s a major name in medicine whose incredible life story was made into an inspiring movie but who can’t seem to inspire any credibility.

Maybe, as Back to the Future said, it’s time for Jerry Lewis to get in the race.

 

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