Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we’d all sleep in toasters.

I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes.

Here’s the first rule of the Procrastination Club: I’ll tell you later.

A guy walks into a library and asks for the self-help section. The librarian says, “I could tell you, but that would defeat the purpose.”

I knew I was getting bald when it took me longer and longer to wash my face.

A light year: just like a regular year but with fewer calories.

I tried to teach my dog to fetch. He just doesn’t get it.

A man complains to his wife, “We’re so poor we can’t even afford punch lines to our jokes!” And she says

A man walks into a bar. And immediately ruins his chances of winning the limbo competition.

Every once in a while I stop and think, “I know you can read my thoughts.” Just in case somebody can.

A very short person walks into a library and asks, “Do you have a book on irony?” The librarian says, “Yes, it’s on the top shelf.”

I hate being bipolar. It’s amazing!