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April Fools Edition: Submarine races coming


March 29, 2017

A new sport makes its debut this week at Maryhill State Park: submarine races. No, really.

A pair of two-man submarines will line up off the bank of the Columbia River at the park. A referee in a skiff offshore will fire a pistol to initiate the race. The submarines will make a 100-yard dash, where another referee will flag the finish.

The brainchild of Oswego von Pootersnoot, inventer of the submarine screen door, the races promise to be action packed and totally invisible from the surface.

“I don’t see that as an issue,” von Pootersnoot said. “You know the subs are down there doing something. I’m not a betting man, but I’ll wager fans will be cheering their favorite subs on.”

He denied attempts to cut a deal for sponsorship with Subway, though he said he likes their new multigrain flat bread. “It reminds me of a submarine,” he said.

Admission to the races is $100 per person, a fee von Pootersnoot insists is entirely reasonable. “People call this a con just because you can’t see if there are actuallu subs down there. I call it free enterprise.”


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